Some things are obvious: I write my best poetry
when we’re not on speaking terms. The cellulite
on my thighs grows by the day, blubber
both weeping & whale song. I take pills to forget
that my father sounds his happiest when speaking
in Hindi. You ask whether I’ve eaten even
when I’m angry with you. My grandparents’ house
used to be magic, until I was fifteen & it was a house.
The way you grasp my hand smells like
cigarette smoke, patchouli, desire, map, so ordinary
I can forget how extraordinary all this is. I want you
to choose me more than I want you to love me.
Now you know everything I know about my father.
Rilke says go to the limits of your longing.
Janis Joplin says freedom is just another word
for nothin’ left to lose. I say I’m still mad at you,
you know, & you say shut up & fall asleep
on the other end of the phone. This is what it must
be like for people who believe in God: knowing
someone else is there, breathing, in the dark.
